New Chapter is Up (and it’s long!)

Hey everyone,

I am sorry for the delay in posting this time. I had a not-so-minor crisis with our landlord who selfishly decided to renovate and not renew our lease. I will spare you the madness but it’s all sorted now.  Thank you for your patience and thank you to everyone who wrote to me and almost sent out a search and rescue mission. YOU ROCK! I was going to write back individually but I figured between an email from me and a new chapter, you’d like a new chapter.  So here it is! We are getting close to that KEY moment you’ve all been waiting for, very close, so keep going.  :-)  And thank you to everyone who reviewed in the last chapter.  I know so many of you read and follow and spread the word and I love you all for it.  And to those of you who take an extra minute to drop me a line, you have no idea how much that means to a writer, especially after long nights of wondering “why the hell am I doing this again?”  SO THANK YOU EVERYONE!! Links below (pinterest will be up in a bit so that I don’t spoil for my Facebook followers).  And if you are looking for cool stories, check out the other writers we have in our  midst in my previous post.  Love them!!


Chapter Link:

Song: Thom Yorke, Hearing Damage


Chapter 7 is up!

Hey everyone,

Welcome back and thank you for your general awesomeness. My geekery will show if I say that the last chapter was one of my favorite Elisa moments. So a million thanks to those of you who supported her in  that landmark moment. :-)

For this new chapter, a lot of you have been waiting for a while (wow, that sounded like Yoda!).  There is a section here you have seen before – hopefully, now that you will see it in context, the puzzle pieces will fit. Also, please listen to the song because in this case, the song is part of the chapter. :-)  Oh, and check out Aiden’s letters in  his own handwriting (or at least the only nongirly font I had available) on the side bar menu.

And a special thanks to those who are always there to help from British culture (Ariadne) to reviews to typos – it’s hard to list all the names or I will go on forever or worse, forget someone and torture myself while watching Game of Thrones (as if the show doesn’t tear your guts out enough).  :-) Love you all!  Link, song, Pinterest below. Also, we have some wonderful writers among our readers here: check out Wattle on Fanfiction, Sasha Cameron, BG Holmes, Nanette Virden, Candiefloss on Fanfiction, and Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps on Fanfiction and her Tmblr page! I’m still discovering others in my three minutes of reading per day. :-)  Love – Ani

For Whom Does Phosphorus Bark?

Chapter 7

Song: Sleepsong, Secret Garden

New Pinterest:

Chapter 6 is here!

Hey lovelies,

I promised to get you this chapter quickly because of the cliffhanger.  Cliffhangers are not really my style – I just didn’t know where else to leave the last chapter.  But hopefully, a quick update fixes that.  NOTE about this chapter: AFTER you read it, you may want to consult the new pages on the side bar menu under Elisa’s Pedigree.  You will need them going forward.

A big thank you to everyone who commented in the last chapter, along with everyone who reads and follows.  As of now, this little blog has exceeded 1,000 followers!!!!  And it’s all because of your word of mouth.  So thank you for spreading the word.  Please help me  make Thirty Nights and Ninety Days as dear to others as it has become to you.  :-) So for every time you have read, told someone about it, and sat down to drop me a note, thank you.  A special hug to Ariadne for her guidance on British things and to my friends “S”  and Arilee for always being a good soundboard.

The title of this chapter “Sub Rosa Reviresco” has a special meaning to Elisa, as you will see.  It means “Under the Rose, I reflourish.”  Finally, the Blue Roses Poem below is important to this chapter so you may want to refer to it as you read the chapter (or before).  Link and song below.  Pinterest will be uploaded soon, so as not to spoil it for those who will see my postings through my FB page.

Blue Roses


Song:  Way Down in the Hole, The Blind Boys of Alabama

New chapter is up!

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for the outpouring of support at the last chapter.  I loved hearing all your theories, and have posted a lot of the answers to your questions on my FB page for efficiency but will add them to a list here on the side menu as soon as I have a minute.  And THANK YOU for all your comments and theories and guesses – there’s nothing better for a wanna-be writer than to hear from her readers in real time.

A special thanks and gratitude to Ariadne for British-proofing this chapter, Mr. Plemmons’ mannerisms, and all her advice on Snowshill and all things British.  I have the “best of British” luck in meeting her.  One day, I hope she will write a book of her own.

A kiss and hug from anyone who lives in Snowshill for letting me take liberties with your beautiful town.  :-)

This chapter is dedicated to two readers who have followed my journey from the beginning and who both suffered tragedy this week:  To S’s mom – may you rest in peace and may your soul shine like phosphorus.  To Purpleale – there is a bright road ahead, I know it!

Link, song, and Pinterest below :-)


“Let there be light” – Elisa Snow
Phosphorus Sand – this picture is real!


Song: Dark Paradise, Lana Del Rey



Chapter 3 of Sequel: Aurora Borealis

Hey all,

Here we go!  Told you I’d be updating more frequently.  :-) The sequel is in full flow now.  Chapter 3’s link is below (or under the 90 Days tab), along with the song and the new Pinterest goodies (can you tell I am learning how to make Pinterest quotes? I’m going crazy with that stuff – it’s addictive!!)  Thank you to everyone who read and commented on the last chapter.  I know you have to scroll to the bottom of the page to review and I am so indebted to everyone who takes the time to drop me a word, no matter what you have to say.  I read all of them (sometimes many times :-) – okay, my crazy is showing).  

And last but not least, thank you to Ariadne for all things British, from giving me the correct radio station to giving me tips on the real Snowshill (and to even agreeing to help me with British slang). This lady needs to be a paid editor but until then, I am just fortunate that she came across my story and tolerates my incessant questions.  Thank you also to Wendy for suggesting the song for this chapter – you are right: it is absolutely precious and the words are exactly what Peter and Clare would have said to Aiden. :-)


Link for Chapter 3:

Song: October, Rosie Thomas  (isn’t it a cute coincidence that the singer’s name is Rosie and the video has roses)?


Chapter 2 of 90 Days is up!

Hello everyone!

Hope 2014 is off to a good start for you!  I know it’s been since before Christmas, but here  is the second chapter of 90 Days.  You’ll notice some changes in the website, too: now the sequel has its own tab above per your requests.  In addition, there are two new Pinterest boards, one for Elisa’s  new wardrobe and one for the sequel, which includes many things mentioned in this chapter, from the Cottage door to… well…  no spoilers.

I hope you enjoy it.  There will be more Aiden coming up, and more sequel.  Link, song, and new Pinterest boards below.  :-)  THANK YOU!!


“The Cottage stands there, with the presence of soul and the absence of time.” – Elisa Snow, Chapter 2, 90 Days

Link to Chapter 2:

Song: I Am Coming Home, Skylar Grey,

Pinterest Fun: 90 DAYS,  ELISA’S NEW WARDROBE,

Meet Mrs. Hale – Aiden’s Mother (and his baby pics!!)


On Thanksgiving, while I was eating things like soup due to my broken tooth, and seething that my hubby was gorging himself in turkey and stuffing, I thought to myself: yes, but he does not have almost 1,000 followers in his blog (ignoring the fact that he does not have a blog)! So I sat there with my soup, giving thanks for all of you. For every time you have clicked on this blog, followed it, spread the word, told someone about the story, sent me a message, wrote a review, or simply thought of 30Nights, THANK YOU!!

In honor of the holidays, I thought you should meet Aiden’s mother, Stella Hale, through an interview.  I have had a lot of questions about Aiden’s childhood.  Let’s see if she can answer some of them for you. As always, some sequel hints are embedded as well. Be careful, Stella does not know that she is a character in a book.


Stella Hale (Daphne Zuniga)

AS: (has changed into sweat pants for the occasion) Mrs. Hale, I’m Ani Surnois and I’m your son’s creato—ahh…creativity director… yep, that’s me.

Stella Hale: Hello, Ms. Surnois, how do you do? Do I owe Aiden’s brand-new campaign called Il Legal to you?

AS: Well, I only named it but it was Aiden’s initiative through and through.

SH: (smiles proudly) That’s my son! May I ask … where am I exactly? I was just in an airplane, and my husband was telling me to get some sleep, and now I’m here. I have a family emergency, you see, and I have to get to Portland, Oregon, ASAP.

AS:  Umm… yes, the plane is … refueling. You will be on your way very shortly.  While that happens, this … ah… place is my head. Sort of.

SH: I beg your pardon?

AS:  My head … my office.

SH:  Ah! Ah, yes, of course. (looks around with bright blue eyes, very much like Aiden’s). How curious a place! What is that thing in the back? Is that a… ballroom?

AS:  Oh,that! Yes, yes, it is. Here, don’t mind that, Mrs. Hale.  I’m doing a … biography of Aiden. And I’ve seen so much curiosity about his childhood. Would you be willing to answer some questions for me?

SH: Of course, of course. As long as I get back on the plane in the next few minutes. I really need to see my son. (fidgets and wrings her fingers.)

AS:  (feeling like an emotional leech.) I understand. I’ll get you out of here very soon.  Here, have some Baci chocolates.  They really help.  Now, let’s get started.  What was Aiden’s first word?

SH: (eyes soften and speaks softly.)  Aiden didn’t have a first word. He had a first sentence.

AH:  A first sentence?

SH:  (nods with a smile).  Yes, he said “Mama,” paused for a just a second and continued “Mama, fank you.” I couldn’t believe my ears. He dropped his little bouncing ball and I gave it back to him, and there it was. “Mama, fank you.”  So I did it again, and again he said it. With a big grin. “Mama, fank you.” I called my husband, Robert, at work in a tizzy. He came home immediately—we spent the whole day just watching Aiden. He was only 13 months old! And the words were almost fully pronounced. (shakes her head. Oh hell, there’s a tear. Yep, there it goes, down her cheek.) We should have known right then that something was different. But the pediatrician kept saying “he’s just a smart boy.”  We had no idea just how advanced his little brain was…

AS: Are you referring to his eidetic memory?

SH: (looks up startled) You know about that?

AH:  Umm… yes.  Aiden told me.

SH:  Really? That’s very unusual. Aiden does not share private information. (frowns, purses lips, eyebrow flies in the air and squints her eyes at me.) Are you sure you are his creativity director?

AS:  Positive. I also do his hair so that means we’re friends. Plus, I’m very nosy. Mrs. Hale, when did you first notice Aiden’s intellectual gifts?

SH: Well, in retrospect, from the first time he fully opened his eyes. They were almost… too intelligent for a baby. Here, I have a picture, would you like to see it?

AS: (melting into a puddle of raging female hormones) YES, PLEASE!

SH: (pulls out of her bag, not a wallet, but an album, thicker than Brothers Karamazov, full of Aiden baby pictures and sniffles).  Here is my favorite. This is how he watched us from the very beginning. Like he understood it all! Even Doctor Nikos who delivered him said, “smarty eyes! Looks like he’s telling me how to do my job.”


Aiden’s Baby Blues

AS: (can’t talk because she is experiencing an out-of-this-womb moment!)

SH: (looking at the photo.) When he was born, he came so gently. Doctor Nikos said it was almost as if he was worried he would hurt me. It took Robert and me a while to conceive but once I got pregnant, Aiden gave me no trouble… Here are some other ones (starts flipping feverishly through baby pictures).  Here, this one. He was born with a full head of hair. Robert called him “Mohawk.”


Baby Mohawk

SH: I tried to comb it a few times but Robert wouldn’t let me. Here he is with our dog Marlow. He loved that dog! We always had a dog. I have no clue why Aiden doesn’t have one now. He’s so good with dogs. Every time I ask, he gives me some joking answer like “because I don’t have a mailman,” or “because I can’t neuter another male.”


Aiden and Marlow

SH: I have some others, too— would you like to see them? (pulling more pictures now.) Are you okay, Ms. Surnois? You seem choked up?

AS:  Ah, yes, yes, I have a tearduct allergy. Something about polaroids. Go figure. Mrs. Hale, aside from the intelligent eyes, when was the first sign of his memory?

SH: (looks up from the baby pictures as if she forgot I am here.) Oh! When he was five. One night, I was reading Fantastic Mr. Fox to him.  The next night, I was tucking him in and started to read again but I couldn’t remember the page I’d left off so I picked up a few pages earlier.  Suddenly, he started reading with me! It took all my strength not to scream. I was terrified. I thought he was really reading. But then I covered the words with my hand, and said “Aiden,can you read it now, love?”  So he recited what he remembered from the night before: “Bogis and Bunce and Bean, one fat, one short, one mean, these horrible crooks, so different in looks, were  nonetheless equally mean.” He didn’t know how to read, he just remembered it perfectly (shakes her head again, tearing up.)

Here he is, reading later, on Manzanita Beach. This is how he used to read, roughly two pages or so per minute, which is the speed of an average teenager.


Aiden reading on Manzanita Beach…

AS: Was eidetic memory something that ran in your family?

SH: (shrugs.) We don’t really know. My grandfather spoke four languages so there may be a genetic strain but scientists can’t say. I wonder if that’s why—(stops abruptly if she spoke one word too many.)

AS: If that’s why what, Mrs. Hale?

SH: (shakes head).  An errant thought… my apologies.

AS: No, please, I’d like to know.  And the sooner you tell me, the sooner you can go.

SH: Well, I was wondering if Aiden worries that the memory would  be passed on to his children. Whether that’s not part of the reason why he has never really talked about having a family?

AS: (mental note to address with Aiden; he did put this in his first letter to Jacob Marshall. Damn him!) How many languages does Aiden speak?

SH: Seven, I think.  Let me see… Farsi, Arabic, Mandarin Chinese, Russian, Greek, Sanskrit and English. The first four, he learned in the military, of course. The others, he picked up from reading.

AS: (picks up her jaw from the floor.) How did Aiden get so wealthy so quickly? A lot of … umm… investors want to know about that.

SH: (breaks into a laugh).  Well, darling, he didn’t exactly get wealthy “quickly.”  See, Aiden started making money when he was six. He started his own business, inventing mnemonic devices. (stands up straight, looking proud)

AS:  (picks up jaw from the floor again and glues it to her face.) What?

SH: (laughs again).  It’s true. One day, I went to the grocery store but forgot his Honey Nut Cheerios. He was not a happy camper. So he had Robert—who is an architect and engineer–install this contraption in my alarm clock that shuffled song lyrics in sync with our grocery list. That way I would never forget. The first song that played when the alarm went off was “Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch.” I couldn’t believe it. It was the story of being Aiden’s parents: being astounded on a daily basis.  From then on, he started inventing other mnemonic devices. One time, he converted his baseball card statistics into a gambling operation, and showed up at home with all sorts of treasures from baseball bats and toys to candy. We made him return them—he was furious. He kept saying “I worked so hard all day long and no one helps me.” (laughs.) But soon, the private middle schools around Seattle were buying his mnemonic devices. We started patenting them for him, and saving the money. By the time he entered high school, he had about $100,000 in the bank.

AS: So that’s how he started HH?

SH:  Yes, many years later. We held the money in trust. And I’m glad we did because he’d have blown it all away in his wild years. We just managed it until he returned from Iraq. Then he pulled it out, used it as seed funding for HH, and the rest is history. It helps if you never forget the stock market trends.

AS: What is your favorite moment of Aiden’s childhood?

SH: (wipes her tears.) There are so many. Like any mom. He was a character. But one that always makes me laugh despite the fact that it was horrifically embarrassing for Robert and me was something he did  when he was 4. It showed me even then that he wanted to be like his parents and wanted a happy family.

AS:  What happened?

SH: Well, he was in preschool one day. He usually played baseball or ran around in the jungle gym but he had this little girlfriend for about a week—Taylor. Taylor wanted to play house. The teacher told me that she and Aiden tucked in their baby dolls—Aiden got in trouble for holding the doll upside down—and then pretended to go to bed. There they lay, the two of them, next to each other. Taylor pretended to turn off the light and closed her eyes. Aiden tossed and turned, crossed his arms, and huffed and puffed. Eventually, bored, he asked Taylor “when are you going to go Aaaaaah so I can go play ball?”

AS: Oh my God!

SH: (laughs and blushes).  I know! Robert and I were mortified when the teacher told us. We had no idea how much he was retaining. We were always careful of course, but he was four! He didn’t know any better, he just remembered a pattern. We had to be so careful.  So very very careful. And we still let him down. (wipes a tear.)

AS: Looking back, would you have done anything different in raising Aiden?

SH:  (looks down). Wouldn’t any parent? Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I would have done a lot of things differently.  A lot…

AS: For example?

SH: I would have never kicked him out when he was spiraling. I would have rather he killed me in his rage than shut the door on my only son. I would have given him a brother if I could have. I wouldn’t have miscarried during our beach vacation.  I would have never let him join the military. Never, ever. I  would have slept outside his bootcamp every night. I would have laid myself in front of that damn plane when he was deployed. I would have gone to Afghanistan. To Iraq. Carry all that gear for him. All those guns. Have him sleep on me rather than on cold desert. Have my arms around him instead of bullet rounds. Enlist myself if they would let me, take his place.  It really should be a law that mothers be allowed to take their children’s place in war. We would all do it.  All of us. Kill those animals that touched a hair in his head. Or have them torture me. They hurt my baby boy. He’s always my baby boy. But I can’t turn back time. I just can’t… (wipes her eyes, straightens her camel-colored cardigan and looks up.)  My apologies, Ms. Surnois… do you have any other questions? I really must get back to my son.

AS: (sobbing too, feeling like she might have wanted to take Aiden’s place as well). Only two more. Is there anything you think would help him?

SH:  (looks at me, smiling.)  Love.  Love, if he lets it. But he is so convinced of his own danger that I don’t know what it will take for Aiden to ever really allow love in his life.  If he has been able to isolate his own mother for years, what could possibly convince him to allow another woman to love him?

AS: Is that what you think Aiden’s main obstacle will be? Letting anyone love him?

SH: (nods firmly.) Yes. Yes. I think he will love, I have no doubt about that. And he will love deeply, that’s the only way he knows how. But accepting love in return… that, I don’t know. He has not accepted it from me, not once in the last 14 years … (wipes her eyes again, shakes her head.)

AS: (thinking furious of a way to cheer her up.)  Can you show me another Aiden baby picture?

SH: (smiles immediately.)  Oh yes, yes, of course.  Here is one with him making his funny faces. He has not changed much.


Where is my boob? – Aiden “Mohawk” Hale

AS: Mrs. Hale, thank you so much for your time. I see they have refueled the plane, and you’re ready to go.  I’m sure we will see more of each other.

SH: (stands.) Thank you, dear.  Oh, the ballroom in the back is all lit up!!  What is that for? Wait— a girl just appeared in there! Who is—?

AS: Ah, don’t worry about that Mrs. Hale. That girl is a dream.  Have a safe flight.

SH: You too, Ms. Surnois.  And please, darling, I know you are a creative and all, but sweat pants??

THANK YOU FOR READING EVERYONE!!!!! I had no idea you would enjoy the interviews so much. We have more coming up, including Reagan, Elisa, Anamelia, and some other characters. :-)  See you soon.  All my love – Ani

30 Nights Finale, a Surprise, and Happy Veteran’s Day!

Sometimes things happen by design.  Sometimes by accident… these are the words Elisa  uses to describe why Aiden and she came into each other’s life.  I never thought they would ring so true for my last post of Thirty Nights which, by accident, happens to be on Veteran’s Day.  Perhaps, as she says, accident will become meaning and plan.  Perhaps it’s a sign that the story should go on.  Or perhaps, I have gone crazy and am in a padded room somewhere.  Please indulge me for a few moments (crying a little over here…)

I wanted to do something special for you today!!  I spent all Veteran’s Day today taking pictures of the Reed Campus and all other moments referenced in 30N.  I wanted to put them together as Elisa ends this phase of her journey and starts a new one.  And – SCARY – I managed to make my first Youtube video for you – Thirty Nights from Aiden’s Camera!!  If you know me, you know how radical this is and how much I love you.  Computers and I don’t get along.  As you will see, I tried to take pics of the places that meant the most to them.  Just like Elisa wanted in her last wishes.  I hope you like it.  Hopefully, you won’t sob like I am right now.  You will see the first fan art (for Master’s Muse), The Immigration Building, their last wishes, the Solis home, and the last moments of silence is the ending… (I couldn’t figure out how to add sounds of tears there)….  Go easy on me, I am a Youtube virgin!

My last note for Thirty Nights before we continue Aiden’s Nights and 90 Days is to thank you!!  From the bottom of my heart.  In my blog stats, I have viewers from just about every country, from the United States (my home) to my birth country (my origin – though they don’t know they are reading a compatriot’s story).  To all of the Americans that gave me a home when I needed it, and to all those “originers” that gave me life – THANK YOU!  And thank you to all of you for reading, encouraging me, becoming friends, supports, critics, lovers, haters but always  putting time in 30N and me – THIS IS FOR YOU!

Thirty Nights comes down a week from today, at midnight (embargo night style).  Then we start Aiden and more – Aiden’s story will have new parts you have not read, including all skipped days.  Until then, trust me that I want these three happy.  All my love, Ani (video, songs, and links below).



He is the dream, I am its meaning… Elisa Snow.

Song for Chapter 39, Only Time – Enya 

Song for Chapter 40, Star-Spangled Banner – Whitney Houston

Three more chapters up (getting there!!)

Hey lovelies… here we go!  Three more up.  I know these are hard:  but hopefully, among the hardship and tears, you will see the beauty of these three souls. My goal is to highlight the hidden terror of PTSD. We all get the terror of Elisa and Javier but Aiden, like most PTSD soldiers and Marines, hides it all inside. It was very hard for me to write his past through a third-person but I knew Aiden himself would never “tell.”  That’s the curse of PTSD – silence and judgment.  I hope to God that real people who live with it find as much love as Aiden has and allow themselves to accept it.  :-)

The last two chapters will be posted together tonight or tomorrow.  I thought it would be easier on you this way than rush through all of them.  Thank you as always for your support, messages, and encouragement – including those of you who commented for the first time!! Love hearing from you and it makes this process so much more enjoyable.  There’s no writer without a reader – that’s the truth.  And I have been blessed with the best readership I could have asked for. Truly!  As questions come up, feel free to email me.  It will take me a few days to get to them all while preparing everything else, but I will get back to you.

New and senior readers alike will find new things in these chapters.  Specifically, more of Aiden’s backstory.  Also, of course, I am keeping more surprises for the official version that gets published (whether by a publisher or me so there are things that will be new at that time.  This way, you feel like you get something new each time, specially those who know the story so well by now.)

Songs and links for all these chapters are below.  THANK YOU!


Song for Chapter 36, Corpus Elisa – O Fortuna, Carmina Burana (the video contains the translated lyrics from Latin.  I can’t think of another song better suited for this chapter.)

Song for Chapter 37, The Way Only a Man Can – Paint It Black, The Rolling Stones,

Song for Chapter 38, Marshall – Bonfires, Blue Foundation,

Two more chapters (getting close to the end)

Thank you so much everyone for your comments and questions.  I will answer them all in the next couple of days.  We are getting close to the end, with the final chapters to be posted tomorrow and Monday.  I will keep them up for a few days to give you time to read, comment, ask questions.  Then we start Aiden, skipped holidays, etc.  Even senior TMM/30N readers will find something new in Chapter 35 – a bit of trivia that may become relevant in the sequel.  Thank you so much for following this journey with me!!  Song and link below.

For those of you who wondered what song Aiden plays for Elisa in the library (“bad, bad girl”), it’s Criminal, by Fiona Apple.


Two Songs for Chapter 34,  From Clare to Here, Ralph McTell; 30 Lives, Imagine Dragons

Song for Chapter 35, O Children, Nick Cave and The Bad Sees,, Ave Maria, Celtic Woman

Two new chapters are up (Christmas!!)

Thank you so much everyone for your birthday and anniversary wishes for TMM/30N.  And thank you for all your good-luck wishes, too.  As one of you quoted, fingers, toes, and mosquito bites crossed.  So funny!  I am so lucky to have readers like you.  Truly – I couldn’t have asked for better followers.  Smart, funny, loyal!  What more can a writer ask for?

These chapters were fun to write.  Here they are with some added pictures.  Check out the pinterest board for more pictures too.  A special hello to my Sons of Anarchy girls (yes, that’s a different story) who are particularly distraught this week after what happened in that show on Tuesday.  See below for links and songs.

All my love to all of you!! xo Ani (still recovering from my all-American dinner of chicken wings and sweet potato fries.)


Song for Chapter 32:  Baby, It’s Cold Outside, Dean Martin

Song for Chapter 33:  Sadeness, Enigma


Chapter 30 of 30N/TMM is up :-)

Well, when you are sick and sleep 18-hours per day, you wake up at all sorts of ungodly times.  And since you can’t really think or write new material, you post old ones.  Hope you enjoy it!  Thanks for all the support on the last chapter.  You guys really like car sex.  :-).  Song (including Spanish translation) and link below.


Salsa seems to fit Javier better now that I have Aiden. Elisa Snow, Chapter 30.

Song, La Vida Es Un Carnaval, Celia Cruz

La Vida Es Un Carnaval (Life Is A Carnaval)

Everyone out there that thinks life is unfair,

Needs to know that’s not the case,

Because life is beautiful, you just have to live it.

Everyone out there that thinks they are alone,

Needs to know that’s not the case,

Because in life, there is always someone.

Ay, there’s no need to cry, because life is a carnival,

It’s more beautiful to live singing.

Ay, there’s no need to cry,

For life is a carnival

And pain evaporates through song.

Anyone thinking that life is cruel,
Needs to know that’s not the case,
That there are just bad times, and it will pass.
Anyone thinking that things will never change,
Needs to know that’s not the case,
smile to the hard times, and they will pass.
Ay, there’s no need to cry, because life is a carnival,

It’s more beautiful to live singing.

Ay, there’s no need to cry,

For life is a carnival

And pain evaporates through song.

Chapter 29 of TMM/30N is up!

Hey everyone!  Thanks for your patience.  I have been struck by the flu and these last few days have been pretty miserable.  My Aiden POV is a little late but it’s coming together.  In the meantime, here is another chapter.  I remember getting so many questions after Aiden disclosed his PTSD and memory about what he feels when he sees Elisa.  Hopefully, this chapter answers that.  Thank you again for all your comments and questions.  I owe a few of you some responses and will do so once I’m up and running.  Thanks!!  Song and link below.

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His rendition of my eyes stares back at me. Elisa Snow, Chapter 29.

Song:  Peggy Lee, Fever

Chapter 28 (one my “little darlings”) of TMM/30N

Okay, here we go as promised.  I reminisced with this chapter because I remember how many messages I got about what Aiden would do if he read the epitaph.  Here it is in its original with a slight nod to the book that brought us all together.  And I couldn’t help the picture below.  Or the song – it’s one of my favorites (and a cool fan-video too).  I translated the lyrics from Italian below if you want to read them.  Thank you as always for reading and commenting.  I do love hearing from you!!  Song and chapter link below.


Song.  Soli, Adriano Celentano,


It is useless to ring the bell,

No one will answer here.

We shut out the outside world, along with its noise.

A white lie with your folks

The fridge full and then

A little soccer on TV.

Only you.  Only me.

It is useless to call.

No one will pick up.

The phone flew outside of the window

From the fourth floor.

It was important, you see,

to think a little about us.

We are never together,

but here and now,

yes, we will be.  now, yes.


The skin for a dress


Sharing a panini for two.

I and you,

breadcrumbs on the bed.


Tightly a little more

Only I, only you.

The world behind the glass

seems a movie without sound

Your innocent loving

Makes your body more real

You are beautiful when you want

Girl, and then woman

You never let me down.

This is how I want you.


Leaving the lights on.


Look inside your heart, who is it?

You and I.


With the time that has stopped.


Finally us.

Only us.  Only us.

It’s useless to ring the bell,

No one will open the door.

We shut the world out, along with its noise.

A white lie with your folks

The fridge full, and then,

Some soccer on TV

Only you, only me.

Chapter 27 of TMM/30N is up (song, link, and new bits even for TMM pro-s)

Hey everyone!  Sorry for the delay.  Sometimes reality interferes even with the best escapes like this one.  But I hope to have an Aiden chapter for you soon.  In the meantime, even seasoned TMM readers will notice some new parts here – parts that were in my original story, not in FF, and that may change some hypotheses you had about the story.  I hope you all enjoy it.  I have a special spot in my heart for this chapter because it was after this that I was officially admitted to the secret FB group of FF writers.  Now, I have met some of my best readers, mentors, and friends there. Thank you all of you for your support.  Song and link below.  Love, Ani


“In that simple word ‘Please,’ he went from telling to asking. A call for help, maybe? And whether in England or from my grave, I will answer it.” Elisa Snow, Chapter 26.

Song:  Some Nights, Fun

Two chapters this time! Ch. 25 and 26 of TMM/30N are up…

Okay, to  make up for skipping a chapter yesterday, I am posting two chapters tonight!!  Thank you so much for continuing to read and comment and give me feedback.  All of you!!  And thanks to those who have submitted their entries for the Louboutin writing challenge.  So fun!  Song and links below…


“Then, slowly, he first breathes on my forehead like I did with his scar. I shiver as I feel a touch there for the first time in over four years.” Elisa Snow, Chapter 26

Song for Chapter 25 (Heart of Doing Business), Million Dollar Man, Lana del Rey (it’s as if the words were written for this chapter)

Song for Chapter 26 (Boy, Man, God), Beyond Love, The The,

Ch. 23 of TMM/30N is up (link and song below)

Thank you everyone for all your comments!! Love hearing from you.  I will be posting the next several chapters very quickly so get ready.  :-)   I have to share this because it makes me giggle:  the song for this chapter was my and my husband’s first dance at our wedding.  Okay, thanks for indulging me.  xo, Ani


“Slowly, he wraps his large, paint-stained hand around my waist and we move.” Elisa Snow, Chapter 23.

Song  Baila Morena, Julio Iglesias


Chapter 22 of TMM/30N is up (link and song below, and a little challenge)

Thank you everyone for following, reading, writing to me, commenting, and sharing this journey with me.  As always, you make the trip worth it.   The painting below is titled Snow Stars – given Elisa’s last name, I found it appropriate for this chapter.   See fun challenge below (thanks Analeyna!)


Snow Stars.

Song:  This Is What Makes Us Girls, Lana Del Rey,  (one of my favorites – to all my girls out there.)

Fun Challenge:  A couple of you liked the Marine Corps Louboutins  on my Pinterest enough to suggest that we all try to write a little snippet about Elisa, Aiden, or ourselves involving the shoes (below).  It doesn’t have to be long.  No rules. I don’t have prizes except to offer that I write a snippet of 30N or 90D (except the ending) for the winner.  So this is just for fun.  If you feel up to it, here is the SHOE! I wish I owned this!  Let me know, and we can post the entries here.  Or you can do it anonymously too, if you’re shy.   Either way, you’re wonderful!


U.S Marine Corps Louboutins

Chapter 21 of 30N/TMM is up (song and link below)

Hey lovies, I know these next chapters are a bit hard on the heart so I will post them quickly so not to keep you in suspense.  But, they are consistent with Aiden’s blind commitment to do what’s right.  Hang in there.  And thank you to Bunny Wallace for suggesting to me the payment structure for Javier.  Thank you also to all my usual readers and reviewers who continuously support me and remind me why I am doing this:  because you enjoy it.  All my love, Ani.


It looks like he is trying hard to not say something and I would give anything – maybe even the rest of my 29 days – to know what it is. Elisa Snow, Chapter 21.

Song:  Feist, Limit to Your Love


90 Days of Hale: Chapter 1- Amor Vincit Omnia

Hello everyone, here is the first chapter of TMM/30N sequel.  Remember that there was a prologue posted, lower on this page (you can use the search field to the side).  This was a chapter that was very emotional for me.  It was one of the first scenes I envisioned when the story first formed in my head.  I hope you enjoy it.   Check out the song for this chapter and the photos in the links below.  Thank you as always for all your support.  – Ani.





The black London cab stops, its diesel lungs stilling.  I now know its every nook and cranny.  The worn upholstered seat.  The yellow clip of my seatbelt.  The tiny snag in the shoulder seam of the cab driver’s jacket. I keep my eyes on these tangentials, and away from the window.

“We’re in Snowshill, Miss.  What was the address again?” the driver turns to look at me with arched eyebrows and creased forehead.  Three creases, like Javier’s when he would ask about my day.

“Miss, the flight attendant said something about Snowshill Lavender, Rose Cottage?  Up the hill? Is that right?”

The hill.  How many times have I walked it hand-in-hand with Peter and Clare? Hundreds, maybe thousands.  It will be bluish green now, the purple of lavender fronds still undercover.  I follow the driver’s index finger out of the cab’s window for the first time.  We are in the village center, by Snowshill Arms pub.  He points at the lane undulating uphill in the horizon.  In my empty body, right next to the ulcer, I feel a tiny jolt.  Almost a nudge, perhaps a heartbeat.

“Miss?” the driver asks again, his outstretched hand dropping to his side.  I avert my eyes from the window, reaching woodenly for my money inside my pack.  It lies inside an envelope from Bob’s law firm, in flat, crisp notes.  I take out some bills.  American dollars.

“No need, Miss.  The flight attendant paid for it,” the driver gives me a tight smile when he sees the money.  “Shall I take you uphill then?”

I shake my head, silently thanking the kind hazel-eyed woman.  He frowns but I draw in some air, pick up my pack, and open the door.

“Thank you,” I whisper at the driver, my eyes on his Javier wrinkles.  Thank you to you too.  For every time you frowned for me.  I step out of the cab in the flight attendant’s shoes and close the door behind me.

It takes a few moments for that first step.  The crunch of the old road under the low heels is familiar, and the ulcer erupts at the sound.  It’s the sound my mother’s tango shoes would make when she and Peter strolled home after a night of dancing.  I rest my eyes on the shoes and start walking.

Some journeys are meant to be taken on foot.  Journeys home.  Journeys to a grave.  Over the last 24 hours, I have travelled with all technology has to offer.  Private helicopter, commercial jet, luxury Aston Martin, a faithful BMW, and an old-fashioned iconic cab.  But now, at the very end, I walk.  I keep my eyes only on my footsteps and the gravel-spotted lane.  Up the hill.  Higher.  Higher.  I don’t look at the vanilla limestone houses tucked on the edge of the road like books on a shelf.  I know their numbers, their doors, their wooden shutters.  Perhaps Mrs. Plemmons sees me from her blue window.  Perhaps she thinks she sees Clare’s ghost.  I walk faster until the houses are far behind and the lavender fields start.  And it’s here that I begin counting.  Because the Rose Cottage is precisely 2,357 steps away.   The genteel British sun jolts my shadow behind me.  I focus only on the rhythm of numbers and on the festering ulcer that reminds me I am neither ghost, nor alive.   In the last four years, I have never allowed myself to think of what I would feel climbing this hill again.  I thought I knew.  I thought I lived it.  Still, had ICE asked me under oath, my answer would have never been silence.  But if all that lives inside you is a pain so livid that it renders the rest of your senses null and void, isn’t silence the only word to describe it?  I watch my shadow shiver on the pavement for an instance as I realize that silence is not something you hear, taste, see.  Silence is a feeling.

On 2,357th step, I stare at my feet.  I don’t look to my left. I don’t breathe the rose-scented air.  I sense the Cottage’s presence there, within a few feet, the way the tide might sense the shore.  I hear the two sibilant oaks and the single apple tree that Peter planted when I was born.  Even the buzz of the bees in Clare’s roses.  Without thought, I start running.  Fast and hard until my legs burn.  I know the Cottage is behind me now but I sprint down the curve of the road until I reach the very edge where the asphalt meets the grass.  I stop there, grasping my knees.  My breath comes in loud, sharp tempests but there is nothing alive about the sound.  The long grass comes to my shins.  Braided in it are wildflowers.   Cornflowers, chamomile, red poppies, and marigolds.  I start picking them until the purples, whites, reds, and yellows cover my numb, cold hands.  I tie them with strands of grass, and look at my measly tribute.  I should have brought lilies.  Or maybe chocolates.  But I was too lost in my selfish hell to do right by them.

I stand slowly and, for the first time, tear my eyes from the ground and look straight into the distance.  And even though I have been here only once before, I recognize the glimmering white marble under the single oak tree.  Peter and Clare’s grave.

I make my way heavily through the grass, keeping my eyes on the tombstone.  They have waited four years for me to come see them. Breaking through dreams, distance, time, and – in the end – even through love to summon me back.  I feel suddenly so ashamed of my absence that I run faster.  With each step towards their grave, grief silences even the ulcer. It floods the Solis’s, Reagan, my American dream, and even him.  Until no space between my skin and bones belongs to anyone else but Peter and Clare.

I reach them at last.  The marble is clean.  Snow white.  Perhaps even now, Clare finds a way for the winds to sweep it.  There is a single white lily on it, from whom I don’t know.  The pink roses I planted have grown.  Their vines wind around the tombstone, clutching it into their chest.  The buds are about to bloom around the words carved in Clare’s calligraphy.

Peter Andrew Snow & Clare Juliana Snow

2 July 1962 – 4 January 2008, 16 December 1967 – 4 January 2008

Amor Vincit Omnia


I look at the epitaph I chose.  It certainly was true for you.  I don’t think about the lie it was for me.  I don’t think of Javier or him.  I kneel by the grave and put the wildflowers on it.  I run my frozen hand over the marble.  To my surprise, it is not cold.  The sun must have warmed it because at the touch, my icy fingertips thaw slightly.  I put both my hands on the grave.  How often have I thought about the words I would say to them and now, I can’t form them.  Instead of words, or even letters, my body breaks into dry, violent shivers.  No tears.  No sound.

I grip the marble edge, craving the strain of my knuckles.  But pain thresholds must change next to a grave, because even though my fingers dig into the stone, my bones bend around it in atrophied surrender.  The only thing seeping through is the marble’s warmth and a seismic tremor under my knees as though the earth is rocking with a cradle-like movement.  I know it’s not the earth.  It’s me.  The shivers peak and I lay on the marble, resting my cheek on it.  Exactly where their chests would be.

I keep my eyes only on the epitaph.   Amor Vincit Omnia.  Amor Vincit Omnia.  Amor Vincit Omnia.  It sounds like an incantation until I realize I am chanting it with the desperation a sorcerer must put behind his words, even though I know my spell won’t bring them back.   So perhaps I am not conjuring; I am praying.  That love won this one, at least.

I want to leave my parents a tear, a smile, even my breath, but nothing comes out.  I move the only thing I can.  My lips.  I press them on the marble and lie there – for the first time in years, waiting for nothing.  Who are we when we stand by a grave?  Does our own loss burst forth, at its most selfish?  Or do we become what we were in the eyes of those underground? I suppose this is now the question I need to answer.  I lay on the warm marble, gripping it to slow my shivers as the sun dips behind the hill, turning the grave pinkish.   Amor Vincit Omnia.  Amor Vincit Omnia.  Amor Vincit Omnia.


A piano is playing a song I know.  A string of innocent notes, morphing into a womanly melody too fast for a lullaby, too slow for a march.  It’s a song of continuums, not extremes.  A soft hand caresses my hair.  Elisa. Elisa.  Elisa.  The song peaks as I recognize Für Elise.  I open my eyes, reaching for the hand in my hair.

It’s twilight.  Or perhaps dawn.  The first thing I see is the marble tombstone.  Bluish now.  No longer warm.  There is no hand in my hair.  Just the Snowshill wind.  The shivers have stopped, but only because I am frozen solid to the grave.  I lift my head, a sharp pain piercing my neck.  I blink to grasp my surroundings.  The East sky is lightening, the stars fading.  I look at my dad’s watch.  9:23 p.m., Portland time.  5:23 a.m., here.  I have been sleeping on this grave all night.  It takes a few moments for the truth to sink in:  this is rock bottom.

I look down at myself: jeans stained with grass, hands night-bitten, hair a tangle of leaves and wind, a stranger’s shoes.  At the sight, a shot of life surges through my spine and I sit up straight.  Ironic – life by a grave.  But perhaps this is what it takes: the end of the beginning to show you far you have fallen, and how far you can rise.   Maybe it’s this grave, maybe it’s the fact that my parents are the first ones to witness my fall, or maybe it’s this shame I am feeling at repaying them this way and running for so long.  Whatever it is, the answer to the question I fell asleep asking, comes to me.  Who are we by a grave?  We are who we were born to be.  We are who we were in the eyes of those that knew us best.

As the answer forms in my mind, so does my purpose.  I pick up my backpack and stand.  The sun is rising higher now, like it did two days ago over Crater Lake.  And suddenly, the words come and I know why.  There are no pretenses for graves.  They all speak one tongue: the truth.  Methodically, I caress the marble until the shallow air forms into letters and then into words.

“Hi Mum… Dad.  I am here.  And I am so sorry.  Sorry for running away, sorry for doing a half-job of living the life you gave me.  I don’t know if it was guilt for surviving or for not being able to repay you for every minute of love you gave me.  I tried.  That’s all I’ve done these last four years.  Live like you would have done.   I don’t regret that part.  I invented the supplement, I saved the Solis’s.  I even fell in love.  Yes, I did.  Isn’t that astounding? In the middle of every end, yours, mine, ours, I found love.  And I fell with all my senses, as you used to say, Mum.  His name is…,”  the words stop, lodged where my throat used to be, perhaps even deeper.  I swallow hard and breathe whatever air I can.

“Aiden Hale,” I force out his name.

The moment it burns my lips, I have again that haunted feeling that I am missing something vital.  Something that explains everything.  It’s much like a stutter – the way he described what his memory did the first time he saw me.  Ironic.  I don’t have a memory stutter – I will remember this as long as I live.  It’s more like a logic stutter, a discordance between what I know and what I have seen.  His name echoes in my head as my mind stutters again.  I ignore it.  If I am missing something, I am used to it.  And if I am not missing anything, I am wishing I was, because I don’t want to believe he did what he did.  I shake my head, caressing the marble again.

“It’s finished now because it needed to be.  Maybe someday, I will tell you about him.  But not today.  Today is about me.  I have spent four years wondering if you would be proud.  If you would approve of the woman I’ve become.  Well, I know the answer now.  Seeing me here, sleeping on graves, you would be furious – ” I pause again, my lungs shuddering at what’s coming next.  I breathe in and out, as though I am rolling rosary beads with my airways.  Until my lungs steady enough for me to say the final words.  They are hard words, but they are right.

“I have to let you go, Mum and Dad.  Not by running this time, but by doing what I should have done four years ago.   Pick up the pieces.  Find what I want among these shambles.  I have no idea how I’m going to do it.  I’ll start at the beginning, as you used to say Dad… And maybe in the end I’ll know the answer to the million-dollar question.  Would I still want America, out of choice this time, not fear?  Will Aiden survive out of love, not out of loss?  And if he does, can I love someone else?”

The rose vines flutter in the wind, like a nod.  Strange how human beings will find signs to confirm what they want to hear.  My eyes drift to the white lily that now reminds me of Aiden.  At the thought of his name, that logical stutter happens again but I shove it away.  I wonder if it will be easier to get over someone dead or alive.  We will see.  For now, it’s just about me.  Every time he crosses my mind, I will think of something for me alone.  That’s Rule Number One.  I kiss the marble stone.

“See you tomorrow.”  And every day until I accept you are gone.

And with that, I turn my back, heading for the Cottage.  It is time to face my home, even if my origin is frozen.  The grief of this new loss creeps but I know the symptoms by now.  Ulcer flaring and a perpetual cold in your fingertips, even in high summer.  I look at the windy road ahead of me.  The moment Aiden’s name crosses my mind, shockingly I start whistling like Javier taught me.  One single tune:  Für Elise.  The melody that woke me up.  The melody that gave me a name.


Song:  Suo Gan,

Check out the images on 30 Nights Pinterest.

Thank you for the wonderful support!

90 Days of Hale ©2013 Ani Surnois

Ch. 19 of TMM/30N and the song that always makes me cry… This is for my dad (he would know why!)

It has been over 14 years since I cannot listen to this song without tears in my eyes.  This one is for my dad, who is Elisa’s father namesake and inspiration!  Love you daddy, even though you probably can’t read this!


“The best parents anyone could have asked for…” Elisa Snow, Ch. 19

Song:  Adriano Celentano, Il Tempo Se Ne Va (Time Goes By) (about a father and daughter, see translated lyrics from Italian below)–dqleeZ43M

Lyrics Translated  “Time Goes By”

That dress, where did you snag it?
What an astonishment
to see you wear it,
if your mother sees you, you know
tonight, we will be in deep trouble.
It’s strange but it’s really you
14 years old, or maybe a little older
You haven’t held your Barbie for some time now
And your walk is that of a lady now.

The phone calls are always a secret,
how many words in a single breath
I’d like to ask you who it is
but I know you will be embarrassed
The door is shut badly and you
on the mirror, doing your make-up
showing your cleavage.
soon, you will go out at night
and on those nights, I will never sleep

And so the time goes by
and you no longer feel like a little girl
growing in fear of your age
I had not realized it before
And so the time goes by
among dreams and worries
lacy stockings have already replaced
the white knee-length socks

Becoming a woman is natural
but a daughter
is something special
Maybe you already have a boyfriend
how many times have you cried for him
The skirt a little short and then
Malice in some of your gestures
and soon, you will go out at night
those nights, I will never sleep

And so the time goes by
and you no longer feel like a little girl
growing in fear of your age
I had not realized it before
And so the time goes by
among dreams and worries
lacy stockings have already replaced
the white knee-length socks.


Ch. 18, a poem, and a thought… thank you as always (links below)

I always read poems about a woman’s beauty, but not enough of them about the beauty of a man.  This poem is Elisa’s conception of Aiden’s beauty.  I hope you like it.  Song and poem below (the song’s lyrics are perfect for this).


In a flash of intuition, I realize that Aiden Hale does not just make love. He creates meaning, visions, life. Elisa Snow, Ch. 18


Your body knows no beauty that falls softly

Loosened as the moonlight on my skin,

Lilacs don’t bloom with your fragrance,

Petals don’t open at your whim.

Your beauty knows nothing of azure light,

Of droplets of dew or blossoms of cherries.

Suspended in your dense, perfumed breath,

I think of steel, not of lavender prairies.

You come with a violent beauty, like war,

One that tears through body and blood.

I crave no touch but your rough, iron hands,

As I lay sodden in your carnal flood.

Your beauty storms, beats, defiles,

Sharp tempests of air in my burning lungs.

I know my margins only from your fire,

My riverbeds and valleys only from your tongue.

Your skin doesn’t soothe, it flays me alive

I break under your fingers as morsels of bread

Clasped around your salty infinity

Your hardness shatters me like spume over crags.

I bear the brunt of your opulent being

Like this I love you, neither wrong nor right

But a man with clenched body and mind

The love I love loves me fierce and blind.

Song:  Une Femme Amoureuse, Mireille Mathieu (the words are PERFECT, translated below)

Translated lyrics:

Time flies like crazy
But today it stops for us
You look at me and who knows if you see me,
But I see only you,
I have only one question,
Your eyes, my eyes
And I sing your name
If someone else comes
I’ll drive him away and I will protect myself.

I am a woman in love
And inside me burns the desire of building around you
The walls of my life,
It’s my right to love you
And to want to protect you
Above all.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow
Are only one day, when you hold my hand
It’s like a fantastic plan made in heaven
For the love between us,
To be together for a long time
Or separated by oceans.
If danger comes
I’ll eliminate it and I’ll protect myself

30 Nights Poems ©2013 Ani Surnois

30 Nights of Snow ©2013 Ani Surnois

Chapter 17 of TMM/30N is up (link below). THANK YOU for reading and commenting. I’m so lucky I have you.


“Aiden smiles, still playing with my hair. ‘A hopeful beginning, in the most unfair end.'” Elisa C. Snow, Ch. 17.


Song:  Tonight, Lykke Li,

30 Nights Playlist

Hey everyone, last day of vacation here (Boo!).  To delay the Monday, post-vacation abyss, I am posting the “soundtrack” (does that word work outside of the movie world?) for 30 Nights.  So many of you have asked for and recommended songs over the last few months, and I have adopted some of those recommendations.  Thank you so much for thinking about 30N in so much detail!!  My goal with the list of songs was to have music from various parts of the world that represent all the diverse readership of 30N, but also the immigration theme.  And of course, I tried to pick songs that have resisted time because time is such a big issue in 30N/TMM.   Hope you all like it!!  Lots of love (while trying my best to banish Sunday blues).  Feel free to guess which songs go with each moment from 30N/TMM.  xo, Ani

Intimate lovers embrace

30 Nights Of Snow Soundtrack

Fur Elise, Ludwig Van Beethoven,

Romeo et Juliette, Je Veux Vivre, Maria Callas

Immigrant Song, Led Zeppelin

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood, Nina Simone

Sentimientos, Tango Project

Breathe Me, Sia

Closer, Kings of Leon

Caruso, Andrea Bocelli

Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, Neil Diamond

Tonight, Lykke Li

I Just Want You, Ozzy Osbourne,

La Traviata, Giuseppe Verdi (The Drinking Song)

Moonlight Sonata, Ludwig Van Beethoven

No Light, No Light, Florence + The Machine

The Limit to Your Love, Feist

Mondo Bongo, Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros

Million Dollar Man, Lana Del Rey

Hello Vietnam, Johnny Wright

Sail, Awolnation

Beyond Love, The The

Fun, Some Nights

The Policy of Truth, Depeche Mode

La Vida Es Un Carnival, Celia Cruz

Deja Vu, Inna

Amado Mio, Pink Martini

Assassin’s Tango, John Powell

Cream, Prince (no link on youtube)

Sadeness Part 1, Enigma

Ave Maria, Celtic Woman

Clandestino, Manu Chao

O Children, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

Carmina Burana O Fortuna, London Philharmonic Orchestra

Only Time, Enya

Star-Spangled Banner, Whitney Houston

Ashokan Farewell, Jay Ungar

Aiden’s Letters… (this is the first letter he wrote to his son’s mother)


“There is a ripple in the closet’s trademark organization…The yellowed, sealed envelopes – one of them torn in half… These must be the letters he wrote during the war. He never said to whom.” Elisa Snow, Ch. 38.

Letter 4

My All,

To whom else does a man write on a day like this?  Not to his son – there are no lessons or answers to give.  Not to his mother – she would only weep.  Not to a friend – he already knows.   He writes to his woman – because she forgives.

I should write to you about how you have kept me alive.  I should say that these nights, I only fall asleep if I synchronize my lungs to yours.  You breathe like the Moonlight Sonata.  At first slowly, softly, like a butterfly on my lips.   Then, because I can’t fall asleep unless I am inside you, your breathing changes, now like a humming bird’s wings under my hands.   Your body rises and trembles, and yet you never leave my lips.  You hold on to them, as I breathe the air that you create faithfully.   And that’s when it happens.  For a blind instant, your breathing stops and it becomes a single word.  My name.  That’s how you come.  That’s how you go.  With my name on your lips, blindly, maddeningly, and for me alone.  

As you fall asleep, your breathing slows.  Deepens.  I feel an instant of jealousy for whatever dream pulls you away from me.   But your lungs let in and out a steady airflow, as if they know that without it, I am nothing.   It takes 15 of your breaths for me to fall asleep.  

I should write to thank you for breathing…  But instead, I write to add to the burden that you already carry on your delicate alabaster shoulders (I have kissed them a thousand times). 

It’s done, love.  Baghdad is razed to the ground.  Only 35 out of 650 animals in the zoo survive.  Almost 170,000 Mesopotamian artifacts are missing from the National Museum.  The National Library and all manuscripts over 7,000 years old burned down.  I don’t know how many men, women, or children are dead, or how many of them from my hand. 

Yet, there was a moment I reveled in it.   We raided a marble palace with golden doors.   You may have seen it on TV.   That is where Saddam’s son, Uday, lived.  Marble, gold, silk, milk-filled pools.  Around it, homes with no running water.  Stray dogs.   Children playing soccer with an American helmet quoting Joshua 1:9, For the Lord my God is with me wherever I go.   Blood danced in my veins as we stormed the golden doors.  I laughed at the carnage.  I whistled as we searched for bodies in the marble ruins, hoping one of them was alive so I could end him myself.

Marshall asks God for forgiveness, but I have no God with me, I have only you.   Still, every man needs an altar.   Mine is the taste of your lips and the glow of your skin.  And your soft eyes that are neither tearful, nor sad.  They sparkle with the light of open doors.  The only doors that welcome someone like me.  I suppose this letter is my knock.  And because you are not real, you let me in.



Ani’s Note:  Some of you may have wondered why Aiden asks Elisa “not to leave his lips” the first time they make love.  Perhaps this letter will give you  one of the answers.

30 Nights of Snow ©2013 Ani Surnois

Chapter 13 of TMM/30N is up (link below)

Thank you everyone who is following and commenting here.  And welcome to all the new readers and followers (almost 400 in the last week)!!!  You are wonderful and I cannot thank you enough for the appreciation you have shown me.

After a short break from 30N with the prologue for 90D last week, I’m continuing to post the remaining chapters of TMM/30 Nights, as promised.  As before, each chapter comes with the painting I think represents it best, a poem I have written for it, and the song that played in my head when I wrote it.    As for 90D, there will be some additional teasers off an on…  Thank you so much!!  Links below.


Cinderella found.


Of your open mouth,

I have learned to expect

the ocean air that keeps me alive

the cinnamon scent that spikes my dreams

the rose’s bloom that laces your smile.

From your parted lips,

I crave too much

A tempest of words that will set me free,

The soft music that mutes battlegrounds,

The sighs that lullaby a man to sleep.

From your open lips,

I desire salvation,

Benediction of my infinite days

But should you wish upon me condemnation,

I want your lips to burn me to the stake.

But of all the burdens I place upon your mouth,

Of all that I crave, and all that I miss,

It goads me love, something profound,

that your petal-lips remember this.

When next they open, they let fall

like crepuscular snow into the abyss,

the secret knowledge, the primal call,

from flesh to ash, they scorch me kiss by kiss.


Song:  Nina Simone, Feeling Good

30 Nights Poems ©2013 Ani Surnois

Introducing 90 DAYS OF HALE, the sequel to 30 NIGHTS OF SNOW…


Ani Surnois



Reagan and I hold each other until airport security calls my name.  Elisa Snow… exactly like in both of my nightmares.  But unlike my nightmares, I don’t have either Aiden or Javier with me.  Instead, Reagan is here until the very end.

“I love you with my life,” I tell her.

“I love you too.  I’ll see you in two weeks.  And I’ll bring any American man I can find along the way to marry you and bring you back.”

Security attributes my Valium stupor to anxiety and wheels me to the Gate.  Reagan waves behind the liquid curtain of my tears until I can see her no more.

Inside the plane, I stuff my backpack under the seat and look out of the window unblinking.  I don’t want to miss a glimpse of my American un-dream.  In the distance, The Met’s glass exterior reflects the sun setting, like it did at Crater Lake.  Strength.  He said he needed it too.  I wonder if my soul is back from the Rogue yet.  It will never catch up with me in England.  It will always float here, keeping tabs on Solis’s, Aiden, and Reagan.  I guess if you travel far enough, the soul divides.

Beneath me, America fades. Perhaps it’s the height, the Valium fog, or the hollowness inside but in this flight, I’m not carrying ghosts.  I am one.  Shivering, I reach for my backpack to get my scarf.  His dog tag comes out of my blouse but I don’t see it.  Because as I unzip my pack, on the very top next to Reagan’s paper, is a stack of yellowed, sealed envelopes, and a folded white note.  Oh!



Ani Surnois




The last breath is similar to the first one, they say.  Violent on the lungs, thirsting for life.  But as the gasp of air leaves my mouth, I understand the difference.  For the first breath, there is always someone waiting.

I reach for the folded note inside my backpack, wondering if it can bring me to life.  My ghostly fingers make contact with the crisp piece of paper but they no longer touch.  They simply work:  grip, pick up, unfold.   I read the unfamiliar slanted handwriting, one blurry letter at a time.


I am breaking Mr. Hale’s rules by giving you his letters, but I hope that they will remind you of the man you know, not the one you saw today. 


I look at the stack of envelopes in my backpack.  Unopened, yellowed, watermarked.  Maybe I should pick them up, but I cannot.  So I simply run my fingers over them.  Occasionally, a grain of sand – desert, Iraq sand – prickles my skin.   The sand never leaves you, Aiden Hale told me once.  I leave his letters in my pack, and re-read Benson’s note for clues.  For answers.  For anything that may explain how Aiden Hale – the man I know – ended seven lives, eight if you count mine.

But the Valium that Reagan gave me before I boarded this plane weighs down my eyelids.  I struggle to keep them open until darkness engulfs me.  The Valium fogs my thoughts until they become disjointed spurs of conscience, and finally, there is nothing.


 “Miss? Miss?”   A gentle, feminine voice comes from somewhere in the distance.  Someone is shaking my shoulder.  A hard, cold surface presses against my left cheek and I lean into it to escape the shaking.

“Miss?  Please?  Are you Elisa Snow?”  The same voice asks, now urgently.

I open my eyes.  They sting in their sockets.  Slowly, the world comes into focus.  The edges are blurry, as if I am looking at them through salty water.  I am knotted in an upholstered seat, strapped with a safety belt, leaning against a round window with thick glass.  Outside of the window, the plane’s long, white wing spans over an endless runway into the horizon.  A bodiless pain morphs into a livid ulcer between my lungs.  My hand flies to the spot, the spot that once felt warm and pulsed with life.


I turn towards the voice.  A woman about the age my mother would have been today, with light brown hair and hazel eyes, is looking at me with a creased forehead.  She is wearing a navy-blue suit, a white shirt, and a scarf like the British flag.  At the sight, the ulcer flares and my spine petrifies as my body registers what the mind is unwilling to absorb.

I am on a plane.  I have landed in London.  My home country, but not my home.

Too awake for a coma but too dormant for life, I remember why I am here.  My true love, Aiden Hale, reported my only family, Javier Solis, to the American immigration police, and Javier is now in jail.  In three weeks, he will be deported to Mexico for being an illegal immigrant.  To save his four little sisters, paralyzed father, and aging mom from deportation and destitution, I gave them all the money I needed for a green card.  And now, I am back where I started:  in a land where I have no one left because my parents are cold dust, six feet under in a village called Snowshill, one hour from London.

The ulcer shoots fire whirls in my chest and throat.  I swallow reflexively but my own saliva chafes my throat, as though some other-worldly force has scrubbed it with sand paper.

“Miss, are you feeling all right?”  The hazel-eyed stewardess asks me again.  Only now I hear her Yorkshire accent.   The sound deafens my American-tuned ears.

I know I need to answer.  I just don’t know where the answer will come from.  I search my body, inch by inch, for a reserve of thought, or at least words.

“Yes,” I croak, at last.  My first word in my land is a lie.

“You are Ms. Snow?”

I nod.

“We’ve arrived at Heathrow, Ms. Snow.  Local time is 12:15 in the afternoon.  You have been…” She looks around my seat as if she is searching for words.  I wait to feel concern about how I have been but there is nothing.

She purses her lips.  “You have been unwell, Ms. Snow.  Is someone fetching you?  Or shall I call someone for you?”

Shall I call someone?  Who?  There is no one else left.  I shake my head but when she doesn’t look away, I decide to move.

It takes some time to find my body.  It’s one of those timeless searches where you find what you were looking for, only to realize you have lost it for life.  I move my legs and arms.  My muscles are stiff, and a razor-sharp pain wrings my shoulders and neck.

I notice my right hand is clenched into a tight fist.  I open it slowly.  Crumpled inside in a small ball is Benson’s note.  Strangely, I have a compulsion to put it in my mouth and swallow it.  Like they do with those secrets-of-the-universe notes.  Perhaps because like those answers, Benson’s note feels like a code that although it cannot reverse the end, perhaps it can explain it.

The stewardess watches the ball of paper too.  She reaches slowly with her fingers as if she wants to pick it up.  My hand closes in reflex.

“Don’t be scared,” she says.  “I won’t take it from you.  You would not release your grip even in your sleep.  I just want to tuck it away with your envelopes.”  She points at my still-open backpack with the sealed envelopes resting on top.

At the sight, my body convulses and heaves.  The stewardess sits next to me and covers my clenched fist with her hands.

“Where do you live, darling?  Can you say it?”

I keep my eyes on hers, trying with all I have left to answer the question.  Where do I live now?  She looks blurry, opaque.  I wonder why.   Another shape comes into focus, a man in uniform.  They speak to each other in hushed voices.  I hear some words, and the rest are simply sound.

“I don’t know… no, she won’t talk…  called the coppers but she’s not in trouble… oh, her passport… good idea…”

The stewardess ducks and resurfaces.   “Elisa Snow… Rose Cottage, Snowshill…” she whispers.

More hushed sounds, then a warm hand on my fist.

“Ms. Snow… we called a taxi to take you to Snowshill.  Can you stand?”

I nod and try to move.  The stewardess turns to the blurry shadow and whispers something.  I only hear the word “doctor.”  But it is enough.  Enough to take me back to a sterile hospital corridor, with the smell of ethanol in my tongue and the numbing sedative in my veins.   No doctors.  No.

I stand slowly, testing my knees.  The stewardess holds out her hand.  I take it, Benson’s note still inside my fist.   She picks up my backpack.  My body must react somehow because she looks at me.

“I won’t take it from you, darling.”  Her voice is soft, like a mother lullabying to a cradle.  “I am only going to zip it for you, and put it on your shoulders, all right?

Yes, please.  Yes, on my shoulders.   I feel the weight of the bag on my back.  Strangely, it is comforting.  It carries American dust, just like me.  The stewardess hovers closely, as I plod down the plane’s aisle, the blurry male shadow behind me.

My eyes refuse to leave the face of the hazel-eyed stewardess.  She looks like no one I know but she has a woman’s touch.  Soft, like Maria’s.  Strong, like Clare’s.

At the plane’s door, she reaches for my hand again. “We’ll take the steps together,” she says and opens the door slowly.

The British air slithers inside me, but my lungs refuse it.  The last air they breathed was in Portland.  That is the only dust I want inside me.  Not the British air that my parents exhaled in their last breath.

“Watch your step, darling,” the stewardess nudges me.

I look down at my feet.  But the sight of my new sneakers rips the ulcer wide open.  These are the sneakers Aide Hale bought me for my graduation.  My knees buckle.  A pair of strong arms breaks my fall but I thrash against them.

The hazel-eyed woman steps close to me.  She murmurs words I don’t hear.  My throat burns, as if I am screaming myself hoarse.  But my skin cannot tolerate his gift. My feet blister, and the ulcer flares in the spot I used to call origin.

“Elisa!”  The woman finally yells, and the fire in my throat stops.  She takes a deep breath and touches my cheek.   She nods once.

“All right.  All right.  We will take them off,” she says and kneels in front of me.  Only now, I realize what I was screaming.  I sit down too, and together we undo my shoelaces.  One after the other, the sneakers come off my feet.  She turns them over, and I see the words he monogramed for me. 

Elisa C. Snow

Summa Cum Laude

May 14, 2012

She Walks in Beauty.


“Here, they are off, little darling,” the stewardess says.  “Would you like them in your bag?”

No! My insides convulse at the idea.  I cannot form the word but perhaps she knows it anyway.  She nods and looks inside my sneakers.  Then, she takes off her own shoes, and smiles.

“Luck is everywhere if you look,” she says.  She slides her shoes on my feet and looks at me with warm eyes.  “We wear the same size.”

Hand-in-hand, we take the plane steps as I breathe the London air.


90 Days of Hale ©2013 Ani Surnois

30 Nights of Snow ©2013 Ani Surnois